Fan the Flames

July 28, 2010

Adirondacks: Day 3

Dear ______,

I miss you so much. You’re the perfect asshole. You’re my best friend. You’re exactly like me. We’re both fucking disasters. It’s fucking perfect.

It’s delicate.

-Me

July 24, 2010

Dear ______,

Let’s run away, I need you. I can’t do this anymore with the real world. I need unfamiliarity. I need to feel like a stranger to everyone else but you. I don’t want to be judged anymore. Fuck. I just want you and only you. And it could be perfect. It really fucking could be. It should be. You mean more than the world to me. I honestly feel like I could never be happy without you in my life in some way.

Love,

Me.

July 25, 2010

Dear _____,

How did this all happen so fast? It started with the cuddling. Then there was the embracing. Then one kiss. Then making out in public. Almost had sex..

I want to be yours so bad. You call me baby now, too. And you’re intoxicating.

Sincerely,

Me.

July 21, 2010

Dear _____,

So it’s true. You want me so bad. And I want you, too. But I’m in love with him.

If only you felt this way in Italy..

July 8, 2010

Dear _____,

That hug shouldn’t have ended as quickly as it did.

When we were lying there, I didn’t want to kiss you or anything like that. I wanted to just hold you and make everything better, if you’d let me. I love you as a friend, and there’s a strong bond between us. A chemical bond, even. Because when I’m close to you, I just wanna grab on and stay that way. But never anything more.

Maybe one day you’ll let me.

I wish I knew how you felt.

-Me

June 26, 2010

11:32 am

Dear _______,

Even though I had a boyfriend at the time, it was so hard for me to see those pictures you and her.  I envied her so much. She had what you and I never had and she threw it away.  She’s prettier than me and has the ability to drive you insane.  I know that you and I still have some feelings for each other, and I wish there was some way to make this happen. But I’m with him now, and we’re in love. He’s a better match for me in the long run.  I know that things could probably work out for us now, but for what? I’m leaving, you’re in high school, he and I actually have the potential to be something more. I do feel guilty about thinking of you, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it for now since you’ve got that one room in my heart. But of the four rooms, he’s got the other three.

I wish that I could hold you and put my real relationship on hold for a day. And on that day, you and I could be whatever we wanted. Thanks for being my best friend, and thanks for being better than John.

-Me

June 26, 2010

1:26 am

Dear ______,

If only you knew how I felt in Italy, maybe we’d have had a chance. You’ve taken John’s place in my heart— but this time, I’m not keeping it tucked away because I have to, it has to stay tucked away because I’m in love with him and because I need you as my best friend. I would love nothing more than to cuddle up next to you. I think we’re allowed to do that as friends, right? That hug felt so great, I just need you to know that.  And I’m glad you feel the same way too.

Sincerely,

Me.

April 22, 2010

Dear ______,

After our conversation during your last night here, I’ve come to realize that you and I are terribly at communicating. Thus, let me lay a few things out for you to clear anything up. In the beginning of the trip, when we were spending a lot of time together, yeah I started having feelings for you again—but let me finish.  As the trip went on, I was able to clear my head.  I definitely don’t want to be with him.  I don’t want to be with you.. I guess I want to be single.  Free for a while.  So don’t be afraid to spend time with me—I won’t get hurt, I promise.  Ever since we broke up, I’ve really only missed having you as my best friend. All I’ve wanted all year was to reunite our friendship.  Yeah, I wanna chill, you’re an awesome kid. We’re a lot alike, and I enjoy your company.  So please don’t run away from me because you’re afraid that I expect something out of it, because that would kill me.  After all that time we spent in Italy, you know I was your rock. I don’t want you to throw all that away. Please don’t.

-Me

April 19, 2010

Dear _______,

I want you to fill me up; to satisfy this empty feeling. 
I want to be consumed by your steady breathing, slow and sweet.

Love,

Me.

April 18, 2010

Stop thinking about her.

Stop consuming my thoughts.

Stop making things complicated for me.

PLEASE.